


How She Used To Feel

by MasterOfDisguise



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Cute, Depression, F/M, Fluff, Recovery, Saeyoung, Self Harm, gets happy, i love, wlrry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 21:46:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10052645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MasterOfDisguise/pseuds/MasterOfDisguise
Summary: Saeyoung finds a box of MC's belongings under their bed, and finds out her past is darker than he'd thought.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry I'm going on a streak of kinda sad stuff!! I may write a fic for everyone excluding Jaehee. I love you guys!!!

Saeyoung knew everything there is to know about MC. How she likes to do her hair. Her favorite coffee. Even her deepest, weirdest, secrets. They were pretty much just a click away for him.

But.... this one wasn't.

 

  
Saeyoung watched as she picked up, folded, and sat down the clothing from the pile. Pick up, fold, sit down. Pick up, fold, sit down. Pick up, fold, sit down.

Laundry. How boring.

He couldn't believe she was ignoring him to do laundry. LAUNDRY. To fold clothes! She could be cuddling him right now! She could be all warm and snug and safe in his arms!

He let out a loud, long, high whine. It startled her, causing her to jump nearly to the ceiling. She fell back onto her ass. She looked over at him and sighed.

He ran to her and sighed, seeing her up and down, making sure she was alright. He jokingly acted as if he was a doctor, yelling 'Saeran, get the scalpel!', making him respond with a curt 'Fuck no.' from his very own bedroom.

"Activate overprotective boyfriend mode!" He said.

Then, in a flash, this crazy man changed.

"MY BABY! ARE YOU ALRIGHT? ARE YOU HURT? DO YOU NEED ME TO KISS IT BETTER?" He shouted, scooping her up and carrying her back and forth bridal style. She started giggling, despite the pain of a soon-to-be bruised butt. He found himself breaking character and started to laugh, gently setting you down on your feet.

"Is my butt okay?" He asked, and she looked at him confused.

"You mean, 'Is your butt okay?'"

"No, you're mine, therefore, that is my butt."

"You can't have two."

"You have mine, silly!"

She rolled her eyes.

"I'll be getting back to laundry." She said, and he let out a similar whine to the one that had startled her before.

"But I wanna cuddle!" He said, pouting.

"We can later! I promise. After I clean up my stuff in our room." She said, causing him to groan.

"Ugh.... wait! I'll clean your stuff up and then help you with laundry!" He said, and before she knew it, he was in the bedroom and cleaning.

  
He didn't see much to clean, so once he did so he admired his work.

Looking around, he saw a t-shirt under the bed. He got on his knees and reached under, but felt his hand brush against something. A box?

He pulled it out, seeing it was fairly sized. He opened it to see some pictures and a few letters. He sat down on the bed, and pulled it into his lap.

He found some pictures he hadn't seen of her before.

Of her from a year or two ago it looks? Maybe. She doesn't look much different. They had to have been from before she and the RFA had met.

One was of her and some guy, who he didn't recognize to be as her brother at first. He had to calm himself down from the tinnnnny bits of jealousy he felt.

Then, he found another of her and two girls. They all stood together in front of a fountain, hair in ponytails and in athletic clothes. MC's calves are looking fine in here, but... he realized she was pretty thin. Much thinner than she was now.

No no, don't get him wrong, he absolute loves her body. She's got a very nice ass.

But here? In these pictures? She didn't look very healthy.

She didn't look very healthy at all.

He'd flipped through a few more of the pictures. She was extremely thin in some and it worried him. He checked the dates on them, and saw in the older pictures were where so was extremely thin, gaining weight over the span of a year.

He found one more picture, that had been stashed in the bottom of the box, face down.

He flipped it over, and saw it was a cute picture of her at a party or something. Wait! This was from Saeyoung and MC's first actual party together, considering they'd missed her first party. He could faintly see himself making a funny face in the background, Burt hardly because he was blurred. The only thing in focus was her She had her arm up and into a peace sign. Her cardigan sleeve slipping up on her arm a little.

He looked at the photo, taking in every detail about it. He looked a little closer onto her arm, but couldn't see much because Like he'd said, it was blurred. But he noticed something on her wrist, hardly shown by the slip of her sleeve. Lipstick? No. Wasn't that obvious to be a lipstick. She didn't wear lipstick often and didn't have any nude colors. He squinted his eyes and pulled the picture closer to his face.

Could it be...?

It looked eerily similar to the scars his brother had inflicted upon himself some years ago. They were faded now, just hardly there by the slight color difference and how it was raised... but.... hers...?

Is that what they are?

No... the party was just three months ago! He would've noticed, right?

Did she self harm?

 

  
He shook his head.

It's not that. No, that's not what it is. Could be anything. Hell, it could be a scar, but from something else.

Could be anything.

  
He put the photo on the nightstand, and found a paper. It was folded in half. Curious, he took it out of the box and opened it. It had writing all over it.

It seemed as if the lines of the page and the ink of the pen that had been used had been blurred. Had someone spilled water on it?

He could make out the first half, however.

'I'm so sorry, Saeyoung. I'm so sorry. I love you, I do, but I don't love myself. I don't know how. I love you so much and I don't want to live not being able to love myself anymore, I just can't stand the sight of me. I was getting better but'

Water had been spilled over the next few words. Maybe it was tears.

He couldn't read anymore if he'd wanted to. He folded it back up, and set it in the box. Everything he'd found he'd put back in there, and slipped it back and under the bed feeling nothing as he sat there.

He felt cold.

He felt very cold.

He felt so very cold.

That was, until one hot tear slipped down his face. It dripped down and onto his shirt.

Then more. And more. And more.

The started spilling from his eyes. They didn't stop.

He couldn't think.

That was scars from self harm. Self harm? No, a suicide attempt.

How had he not even noticed? Is that why she was gone for a few days those months ago before the party? Why she was MIA, freaking everyone out for her to just say she went to visit family and didn't have signal? Why he wasn't allowed to go with her to see them?

 

It was just three months ago! The picture! Just a few months ago! It can't...

He ran a hand through his hair.

She hated herself.

She hated herself.

She hated her body.

She'd had an eating disorder at some point.

Everything was hitting him like a ton of bricks. It felt like someone had smashed his heart in front of him with a hammer.

  
"Babe? I'm done with the laundry. Wanna watch a movie in here?" He heard her call from the living room. He wiped his eyes, and threw his hoodie on over his tear stained shirt.

Should he say something? Should he wait?

He... he needed to see. He needed to see her wrist.

He calmed himself down, and walked out to see her face. Her bubbly, beautiful face. He forced himself to smile at her, walking into the living room from the hallway. Just smile, Saeyoung. Smile at her.

"What are we watching?" He asked, reaching the couch. He sat down, and glanced off to the side.

Remain calm, Saeyoung. Don't break down. No. Don't break down.

She smiled at him when her eyes met his.

How is she so good at this, so good at putting up a fake front like this? He gripped tightly onto the phone in his pocket.

Remain calm, don't break down, smile. Remain calm, don't break down, smile. Remain calm, don't break down, smile.

"You alright, babe? You're pale." She asked, and he felt

"Are you alright, MC?" He asked. His voice was calm, unwavering. This sent chills down her spine. She felt confused, and nodded slowly.

"Your wrist? Is that alright?" He asked, and she rolled her eyes.

"I fell on my butt, not my wrist."

"Your wrist, MC. Can I see it?" He asked, and she felt the blood rush from her face. She went pale, her breathing quickening. She bit her bottom lip, trying to act like she doesn't understand, but she does. He knows she does.

"I-- there's no reason to--"

"Your wrist?" He phrased it as a question, but it was more of a demand. Her eyes watered. His breath hitched in his throat as she watched as she slowly and hesitantly lifted up her sleeve. She stuck her arm out to him and looked to the side.

He saw a very prominent scar.

A newer one.

A scar from nearly four or five months ago. A long, pink, one that ran from her wrist to her her mid forearm along the vein. He ran his thumb over it, and faintly heard her sniffles. He slowly lifted his head. His eyes met hers.

"How would I have felt?" He asked.

"How do you think I feel right now, knowing what could've happened?" He asked. The calmness rattled her completely. She didn't see anything in his face. Any emotion. Anything. She didn't see any of it.

"How would I have lived my life knowing I lost you, the love of my life, the woman I love, who loves me more than she loves herself? Because she can't love herself? How would I have felt, MC? Losing you?"

"I'm sorry, Saeyoung, I... I didn't... I wasn't thinking." She muttered.

"No, apparently you weren't. No, I know you weren't. Why? Why the hell?"

"I met up... with a guest. They were very.... wealthy and said they'd make some very generous donations if... if I went. It was the day... the day you got back from your trip with Saeran to bond in America or something... And met with them... so I did. I met up with them... a month before and... they were very... touchy. He-He kept trying for advances... and I couldn't. No amount of money-- no amount of money would I damage my relationship with you for... and so he poked at me. Commented about me. Pulled out pictures of my from my high school years. Made comments about my weight and I-- and then... about me now. I know I was just upset and wasn't thinking. I was hurt and didn't want to call you. I didn't want to bother you. I know you've had a tough life and it just doesn't amount. I felt alienated. Alone. So I tried. You remember sending Saeran to come check on me when you got back? I'd already done it. He took me to the hospital. I made him promise not to tell you. I'm sorry, Saeyoung. I didn't want you to worry or anything because it was just a dumb slip up and--" she started rambling, and he stood up, towering over her. His features full of anger. He was shaking he was so furious.

"Just a 'dumb slip up'? A 'dumb slip-up'?! Wow, MC! What the fuck! The actual fuck! You could've died! I knew it was suspicious, I didn't even think to check your medical records! I don't give a fuck if I'm in a funeral! If you're hurting, come to me! Any time you're hurting, I'm here! God, it good you moved in. You've been with me through everything, and you're suffered because you'd don't want to burden me or some shit? MC..... the thought.... the thought of losing you.... the thought of losing you..... I can't. I can't. I can't." He said, the tears he'd held back previously now free falling. He didn't bother trying to stop himself this time. He wrapped his arms around her waist, tugging her tightly against himself. Their chests shook as they both sobbed. They both cried and bawled and sobbed.

  But, of all the emotions he was feeling at this very moment, he felt happy. Happy to have the woman who almost lost her life on her own accord just months ago in his life right now and in his arms.

  Their bodies shook, letting out noises and cries that wouldn't quite be considered attractive. His grip around her tightened. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't bare the thought of it, and instinctively tightened his grip as if she could fall through the ground at any moment.

  "I love you. I love you, MC. I love you so damn much." He muttered. After another few minutes of violent sobbing, they parted.

  "You're a mess." They both said simultaneously, causing them to break into laughter, wiping each others tears from the others faces. She readjusted his glasses.

  "Marry me."

  "What?" She asked.

  "Marry me, MC. Please."

  "Yes." She said.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment! I love you!!


End file.
